weak and helpless

im lying helpless..
missing you every moment..
wondering what you are doing..
have you eaten?
how are you..?
im weak every each day...
i need to see you..
but i know..
that wont be a good idea..
that wont happen...
i know that you hate me...
and i dont know why...
that i feel like i need you even more now..
i thought i can do this alone...
it shows that im wrong...
but, i have no choice now..
i have to go on..

i hope you will understand

never was i trapped you...

never was i meant to go this way...

to be honest.. i do crazy about you

and never was i have grudge on you no matter..

how hurt i got...i accepted.. every single thing that came along

our relationship...

even though its hard to deal with...

and im talking about how i felt when i cant actually accept the fact

that we could never love again...

and i want you to understand that im not trying to ruin your life...

to ruin your future...

i wanted you to be somebody someday...

i wanted you to be happy...

but will you ever see me suffer.. trying to erase every

memory i have shared with you...

and for some reason i wish you'll see me...but that wont be a good idea

so with a broken heart... i tried to live my life without you..

and it hurts every second.. and im not kidding you...

and can fall and break down crying..

anywhere and any time...

would you love to see it...?

but i guess you wont even think about it...

im trying if you can see...

i went out from this place..

just trying to let you live your life the way you wanted..

see.. i wasnt trying to trap you or ruin you...

i was not at all...

i know now that you're way better without me...

and knowing that kills me...

but i cant do anything...

i just want you to understand..

i never want to do the worst thing to you...

how can i ruin someone's life when im so damn in love..

i can only wish for your happiness..

along with my tears....

why wont you understand me...

and accused me that way...

i am crazy.. and obsessed!!

i admit... but im not that cruel...

im sorry if i love you too much...

if you hate it.. please be my guess..

go and ask GOD to take it back....

i begged GOD so i can UNLOVE you...

but GOD wont let me... and i have no reason to

say that GOD is unfair....

so im trying my best to accept it...

if this is GOD's will.....

i'll stay broken...

Until the day.. love grows in me...

without knowing what i should do..

im so clueless.. i thought i can decide for the best..

but how can i ever be sure if im doing the best thing for everyone

if i throw this lil' love away.. out of me...

im like almost every woman...

i have this weird feeling...

maybe its not alive yet..

but something tells me.. that this is not a mistake..

its not a disaster..

this is what GOD gave me...

a GIFT....

and i can feel something that i cant explain...

you can say anything you want...

but this strong feeling.. keeping me stronger..

each day... telling me to keep it...

and dont tell me that i didnt think for everyone else...

i did...

im not doing this for myself...

but i cant explain to you now....

and maybe i am wrong.. you're right...

but i got to do wrong thing to be right...

i just hope someday you'll understand..

this is not the end of everything...

i can only ask you for forgiveness...

you can hate me for this...

i dont mind...

i know im wrong in evryone's eyes..

your friends and family...

for your information...

my family is dealing thru a hard time too...

but i have to let this happen..

its a lesson for me....

and this lil' love is a GIFT.. especially..

it happened because of my love for you...

and please let me keep what's left for me...

and again i hope you'll somehow feel it...

i dont ask you to stay.. i never forced you...

maybe i left you with no choice...

i dont have mine too....

maybe i can choose...

but i choose to give live...

bringing live to the world...

i know this happened for a reason...

GOD plans this for me...

i dont know whats going to happened...

i have risk everything for my lil' love...

a chance to see you smile for me,

i disappoint my family and yours...

and i might have ruined your life...

but im sure that.. you'll still have your future...

you can always tell me that i do things without thinking...

and its all about me...

but i looked at every aspect...

and no matter how hard it is going to be...

and what im dealing with...

i stood my grown...

i want this lil' love to grow...

and i want my baby to feel the world..

to experience life...

i cant do anything to harm my lil' love....

im sorry... but i just need you to know..

that i wasnt trying to trap you..

not at all....

im truly sorry..

to your family and you...

maybe this unwanted seed in me..

wont make you happy...

im sorry for that..

im maybe stupid or crazy...

but deep inside...

im doing the right thing....

i hope you'll realize as soon as possible...

before its too late...

im sorry....

i know everyone is in pain...

but do you people know..

how long i've been in tremendous pain...

and for once...

i feel like im doing the greatest thing

to give birth...

to bring life into this world....

you wont ever feel what im feeling...

maybe im doing this for myself...

but im not....

if you dont want me...

its alright...

but please...

believe me...

i never wanted to trap you...

if i cant have your love..

let me have this baby....

why would i want to ruin your live..

when my life is considered ruined by myself...

but i wont look it that way...

this baby... is never a mistake to me...

its never a problem to me...

it is live....

why would i want it to be gone...??

why would i regret it...

to be honest...

i want a brighter future for myself...

i wanna get married to someone who's in love with me...

i want someone to propose me...

i wanna get married at the baech...

i wanna wear a wedding gown...

but i cant... i risk everything for my baby...

i love this baby....

i know.. this is way precious than what i've ever dream of...

i just knew it...

i dont know how...

but i just do....

am i wrong..?

maybe i am...

but i realise..

its ok to be wrong...

you can hate me...

i know i cant give you back

the life you wanted...

but i'll always pray that you'll

have a better one... someday..

i wont burden you....

im just askin you to name this baby...

and we're gonna go on our own way....

see i dont ask you more than that..

how could you you say that i trapped you?

i love you..

like i said before

i will always love you..

thru good and bad...

even after what you've said to me...

all the humiliation...

i still love you...

no matter how cruel you are to me...

i love you...

i dont want you to come back to me..

when the love for me is gone...

i just wish you'll forgive me...

and understand this...

thats all....

and thanks...

i have lost my sunshine..

dont let me lost my lil'love

i dont want to be alone..

p/s:to sunshine, no matter where you are..

make sure you'll shine brighter everyday..

and bring happiness to whoever...

and i'll pray for your safety... you know you

have the gift to make people smile..

and bringing joy to life....

and im still wishing that i can see you once again...

please hear me... my only love =)

to sunshine.. and wherever you might be...

i've been taking along break from writing...
to be honest.. i have alot to write all these while..
but im not sure if i still remember those words that came out from
my mind...
first thing i want want you to know how much i miss you...
i really miss you sunshine... but you're not here with me anymore...
maybe i can still see the person who used to be you..
and he's still around.. but i cant feel my sunshine anymore.. =(
i feel like dying... i miss you...
i wanna see you.. i wanna talk to you..
i wanna hold you.. i wanna touch you...
i need you here my sunshine...
he's not you anymore..
its like he got possesed by some kind of demon or creature..
i dont know him anymore...

i know you my sunshine...
and im sure that you're not around anymore.. and for some reason...
i wish i could see you again...
i wanna touch you again...
he doesnt taste the same..
like you do...
he's not you....
and no matter where you are right now..
i just want you to know that i love you...
and that one thing.. will never change....
i miss you.. i really do...
he doesnt talk the way you do..
his touch doesnt feel as warm as yours...
i can feel that you're gone....
i dont want him.. i want you...
he maybe has your look.. but he doesnt have a heart of sunshine...
i wish you'll be back...
because there's nothing special about him...
you are special.. because you are my sunshine..
the one who used to bring the light to my life...

i wanna share alot of thing with you..
i couldnt share with anyone else...
not even him....
he has your face and body..
but he could never have your heart and soul...
i know... what i am feeling,....
im not wrong....
and this dedication.. will still be going on...
because i believe that you'll hear me someday.. and
you're gonna return my call...
i really miss spending time with you...
sharing thoughts...
you're the light...
and im in the dark now...
i need you...
in my prayer.. i wish you'll be back my sunshine..
no matter in any kind of form....
i just need to feel you...
sunshine.. you're gone....
but i still love you...
please come back.. even in my dream...
because i miss you so much....

and yeahh..
i have love in me..
its growing while you're away...
something tells me to keep it...
because i believe this is what we share...
since you left... this is the one thing that left for me...
and i will always remember that this is love...
i need you.. your soul..
sunshine will always be my love...

p/s: i will never love anyone else but you...
and im still waiting for you to come back...
i miss sunshine.. and not faiz..